When Tension Arises in the Dental Office

There's tension at work. People are fighting. What's going on? What's the solution for all of this?

Do you ever have problems at work? At home? Problems where people just aren’t getting along? We all do. It happens—even in a workplace with a great team and culture.

Now, we have a great team in a great office, and very rarely does this ever happen. But every now and then, it does. And when it does, there’s a solution.

The Power of Personal Responsibility

The solution is usually for the people involved in the situation to take responsibility for what actually happened.

During the heat of battle—when people are angry—our mind turns on itself. We’re not thinking with the frontal cortex. We’re thinking deep in the amygdala or the hippocampus, the part of the brain we call the "lizard brain."

This is the part that gets really angry in traffic. It creates road rage. And often during road rage, people do things they may regret for the rest of their lives. There are people in prison right now because they did something terrible after getting cut off at a stoplight.

When Someone Pushes Your Buttons

If someone has the key to your amygdala—your anger center or lizard brain—you can become extremely angry. You might say or do something you regret.

In a dental office, this could mean saying something to an employee or employer that you’ll feel sorry for later. As someone who leads a team of over 20 people, it's very important to me that we all get along.

While this doesn’t happen every day, when it does, here’s what I do.

A 4-Part Form That Changes Everything

When conflict arises, I ask the people involved to fill out a simple form. I’m happy to share it if you email me. The form is based on a four-part process I learned from Tony Robbins years ago—back when he was still selling cassette tapes. I used to listen to them in my car over and over again.

This four-part message has always stuck with me, and here it is:

1. What Actually Happened?

You write it down. Be very clinical. What happened? This happened, then this happened. When I write things down, they become much clearer than just thinking them.

2. What Caused It?

Look at your own behavior. Someone else’s behavior. Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep. Maybe you were hungry. Whatever it is, identify it.

3. What Was My Part in It?

This is the most important part. If I don’t have a part in what occurred, then I become a victim. If I’m a victim, it’s someone else’s fault. And if it’s someone else’s fault, I have no role in the solution.

If I say, “It’s your fault this happened to me,” then I have to wait for you to change. But if I say, “It’s my fault,” then I’m in control. I’m not a victim. I’m in charge of my future.

4. What Can I Do So This Never Happens Again?

Often, it’s just taking a pause. I call it injecting yourself with a “syringe of time.” Take a big syringe, fill it with time, and inject it into yourself. That pause is powerful.

The Power of the Pause

When you pause between stimulus and response, you interrupt the automatic reaction—often anger. That gives you a chance to think. Maybe you shouldn’t say what you were about to say. Maybe you should just let it go.

In our practice, when conflict arises—and it’s usually every 6 to 8 months—I ask people to fill out what we call the “Experience Transformer.” I got this tool from my mentor Dan Sullivan. It’s very similar to Tony Robbins’ model.

It describes the action, your response, and what you can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It creates a solution.

From Conflict to Consultation

As a doctor, when a patient comes in with a problem, I don’t focus on the problem—I focus on the solution. When I link every problem to a solution, I’m much more positive during the initial consultation.

And I use that same approach with employees.

Everyone who works in our practice is a great person. They wouldn’t be there if they weren’t. But even great people have problems. Even I get angry sometimes. I try not to, and I’ve conditioned myself to take that pause.

A Simple Habit That Helps

Here’s a tip I use: if something happens during the day, I’ll ask an employee for a sticky note or business card. I write down what happened and put it in my pocket.

At the end of the day, I review those notes. Most of the time, I don’t have to deal with them anymore—because the solution has already presented itself. But every now and then, I’ll address one or two the next day.

I don’t need to fix every problem immediately. Unless it’s an emergency, I file it under “Think about this when there’s no stress.”

Stay Calm, Lead Better

Great surgeons never react under stress. If you see a surgeon throwing instruments, that’s probably not a great surgeon. My partner is calm—like a bomb. We joke that you could put grenades in his operatory and he wouldn’t notice. He’s totally focused.

That’s what great surgeons—and great leaders—do. They stay calm and do the right thing.

Use This in Life, Not Just Work

The next time you see a confrontation—whether in your office, at home, with your spouse, or with a friend—think about the “Experience Transformer” model I learned from Tony Robbins and Dan Sullivan:

• What happened?

• What caused it?

• What was my part in it?

• What can I do so it never happens again?

That third step—your part in it—is where your power lies.

I hope that’s helpful to you. It’s a great little technique. I’ve been using it for years, and I’ve found that I’ve become a gift to the people I serve.

Have a great day, everyone.